Yesterday, the Washington Post broke some dreadful news, the ultimate ramifications of which — as of press time — were not entirely clear, but the impact of which will surely be felt by hundreds if not thousands of residents in the greater metropolitan region.
According to the Post, the National Zoo’s baby panda is not yet ready for prime time, and won’t be seen by the public until December.
The grim details were as follows: “Although the black-and-white bear now resembles a toddler more than an infant and has been walking short distances on all fours, zoo spokeswoman Peper Long said officials have ‘pretty much decided’ that he will not go on public display in mid-November, as previously announced,” the Post reported. “Now, they are looking at going public in December.”
For panda fans everywhere, the news of the delay will undoubtedly cast a long shadow over the coming fall, as anticipation of ogling a mini-panda gives way to the resignation of spending yet another month mining the lesser joys of the reptile house.
Mitigating the bad news, however, is the unstated assurance that while the panda cub may be too shy to meet the public, he isn’t too shy to meet the Panda Press — or, as they are otherwise known in the District, the reporters at the Post. For years, the Post has served as the District’s paper of panda record. Indeed, “Pandaphilia,” David Plotz once wrote in Slate, had “turned the Washington Post into the zoo’s own propaganda rag.”
The birth of the baby panda on July 9th has only intensified the coverage. Take a look at a sampling of recent panda headlines in the Post:
“Bouncing Baby Bear Gets Close to Crawling.”
“Exam Finds A Thriving Panda Cub; Keepers Dash In for Quick Inspection as Mother Leaves Den for Breakfast.”
“‘A Solid Little Character’; At 6 Weeks, Robust Panda Cub Tops 4 Pounds.”
“Wriggling Panda Cub Submits to 4th Physical; Bearing Contrasts With Sleepiness at Last Exam.”
“Panda Cub Issues His First Bark, Placidly Endures a Vaccination.”
The Post‘s coverage has a familiar ring to it — like one of those annoying new parents who can’t shut up about their spectacularly precious, spectacularly special baby.
No detail about the panda cub is too inane for the pages of the Post.
“[T]he cub had his eighth medical exam,” the Post told us yesterday. “Veterinarian Suzan Murray ran her gloved hand over his gums and found that he now has teeth: All four canines and 12 incisors have erupted through his gums, though not all are fully grown in.”
No analogy is too insipid for the Post to pass up.
“The National Zoo’s giant panda cub is a ‘solid little Tonka Truck,’ the animal park’s chief veterinarian said after examining him yesterday morning,” the Post reported in August.
No bit of bragging about what the future might hold is too far-fetched.
“It is also tempting to hope for a turning point in the fate of the world’s pandas,” noted an editorial in the Post celebrating the birth of the panda. “But — who knows? — a baby panda’s birth may foretell many other things, too. A revival of that 1972 warming of relations with China? New hope for the Endangered Species Act, for which enthusiasm appears to have run out in some quarters of Congress?”
The first panda to receive a Nobel prize?
On Sept. 22, John Kelly wrote a parody of panda coverage for the Style section of the Post. Although Kelly was ostensibly mocking the zoo’s panda blog, he might as well have been sending up his own paper.
“The new panda at the National Zoo may be the most scrutinized youngster in Washington since Chelsea Clinton,” wrote Kelly. “Not only can you watch him live on the Internet, the zoo has a daily Web log of what he and his mother, Mei Xiang, are up to. What must it be like to spend your days trying to make the pair’s various activities interesting? Something like this, maybe?”
“Mei left her enclosure to take a drink of water today!,” continued Kelly. “While this may not seem like a big deal, rest assured that it is. Every incremental development of the cub or bit of behavior exhibited by Mei Xiang is noteworthy.”
“Helloooo! Anybody Out There?” continued Kelly. “Does anybody even read this stuff? I watch the pandacam. But I don’t have a lot to work with. You try injecting some excitement into drinks of water and the occasional squeal. I was an English major. I studied Melville and Hawthorne. I deserve better than this, better than sitting in a windowless room staring at a bunch of TV monitors. I feel like a security guard at PandaMart.”
Now that we think about it, that might make a nice job description the next time the Post looks to hire a reporter for its zoo beat.
“Wanted: Melville scholar for monitoring gig at PandaMart.”
–Felix Gillette
Felix Gillette writes about the media for The New York Observer.