Ever wonder what those controversial polls actually ask voters? We have.

Thanks to The Onion, we now know. The satiric tabloid brings us the inside dope on five key questions asked of voters in the days leading up to the election:

1 — How do you feel about the latest polls indicating that Kerry doesn’t have a chance in hell of winning?

2 — If you knew that John Kerry and Osama bin Laden were actually the same person, would you be more or less likely to vote for Ralph Nader?

3 — What campaign issue matters most to people like you, who lack the talent or ambition to get the hell out of Wyoming?

4 — Given a choice between two generic candidates, one who would steal your money and use it to cater gay weddings, and one who was a strong and resolute leader, who would you choose?

5 — Just between us, who are you going to vote for?

Makes sense to us.

S.L.

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Steve Lovelady was editor of CJR Daily.