“Tired of bad news,” Christopher Buckley provides at The Daily Beast what the “universe will not:” “good news,” in the form of imagined headlines (and, in some instances, ledes). Happy headlines, to Buckley, would be, for example:

FORMER MERRILL HEAD THAIN TAKES JOB AS TOILET ATTENDANT AT ‘21’ CLUB

And:

New Malcolm Gladwell Book Tanks”

Liz Cox Barrett is a writer at CJR.