OMG, Patrick Healy’s “Political Memo” in today’s New York Times? It reads so high school (or to quote a more mature colleague, “a little loose”).

Clinton and Obama are so totally not getting together, Healy reports. They are so not right for each other, right? He’s so totally popular; she’d “look like his stern old lady!” (MoDo, that you?) And you know she is totally obsessed with what other people think about her (“the poll-obsessed Clintons”). Also? Lots of unnamed people totally told Healy there’s no way— well, they wouldn’t totally say no but they were like totally laughing when they talked about it with Healy (“aides for both candidates would not rule out the idea of a joint ticket — though it was hard to hear it through all the laughing.”)

And also: her husband? I mean, you can’t have “a former president as the spouse of a sitting vice president” — or at least Barack could totally use that as an excuse not to ask Hillary to the general election. Plus, Bill is such a loudmouth and would definitely insist on acting More Important than Barack. That’s what Healy totally heard (on the record, too!) from “an expert on the vice presidency” (who knew?). And two of Bill’s frenemies who will remain anonymous told Healy that Bill thinks that Barack and his friends have tried to make Bill look like a total jerk (Bill “bitterly believes that the Obama camp has portrayed him as a brutish, race-baiting campaigner, according to two associates of Mr. Clinton”).

And? Healy heard that some seniors like Al Gore totally like Barack (Gore “has not made an endorsement but is said to admire Mr. Obama) and they would be probably be so pissed if he hooked up with Hillary. Plus, look at how Hillary and Barack act toward each other. Harsh!

Anyway. Hillary and Barack getting together? It’s so not happening, you guys.

Liz Cox Barrett is a writer at CJR.