So someone has a crush on the First Lady. Like, a big one. And—hold onto your worldview, folks—that someone is…Jack Cafferty.

Yep, you read that right. (And don’t worry: those things you see flying outside your window? Just pigs. It’s all good.) Indeed: Cafferty, curmudgeonly commentator extraordinaire, turned yesterday’s CNN column—a space normally reserved for tirades against…well, everything—into a lengthy, loving, and schoolboy-earnest ode to one Ms. Michelle Obama. Who has become, apparently, the First Lady of His Heart.

I think I am developing a crush on America’s first lady. Michelle Obama is more compelling than her husband. He’s good, but she’s utterly fascinating.

Mrs. Obama has blown away the stale air in a White House musty from eight years of the Bushes. It’s like the sun came out and a fresh spring breeze began wafting through the open windows.

Yowza. But, then, it’s not merely Michelle’s radiant/zephyresque quality that has Cafferty so smitten. It’s “the warmth and affection she instantly triggers in people.” It’s the fact that she is “the consummate mother.” It’s the fact that she “has taken it upon herself to go around and introduce herself to the people in the various agencies of government,” and that, when she does so, “people respond to her.”

It’s also the fact—hey, love ain’t totally blind—that Michelle’s sense of style is “unassuming, but dead-on”…and that her “arms are becoming the stuff of legend.”

Awwwwwww. But: If Michelle and her (ch)arms can dissipate the old Cafferty Curmudgeonliness in a fog of childlike devotion (“When it comes to the first lady,” he concludes, “I’m smitten”)…you have to wonder: could Lou Dobbs crushing on Nancy Pelosi, or Rush Limbaugh falling in love with Hillary Clinton, or Hades emerging from the underworld to swallow us whole, really be far behind?

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Megan Garber is an assistant editor at the Nieman Journalism Lab at Harvard University. She was formerly a CJR staff writer.