The National Enquirer, that once maligned rag whose name can now be whispered in the same sentence as “Pulitzer Prize”—though not at the actual ceremony—has a an Exclusive! piece of Breaking! news: President Obama has stomach parasites!

Here is the story, as told by “sources”:

The pencil-thin president caught the parasites on a trip last year to Hawaii, where he and his family also vacationed over Christmas, according to top political insiders.

“Barack has wanted to keep the stomach parasites under the radar,” revealed a close source.

Said sources attribute the “skeletal” prez’s “shocking weight loss” (!!!) to poor diet and a hectic schedule.

Sigh… remember the good old days when the prez was a fatty and the Enquirer wasn’t robbing ProPublica of its best scoops?

Joel Meares is a former CJR assistant editor.