From The Onion (or, is it?):

Citing a desire to gain influence in Washington, the American people confirmed Friday that they have hired high-powered D.C. lobbyist Jack Weldon of the firm Patton Boggs to help advance their agenda in Congress.

Weldon is reportedly charging the American people $795 an hour.

“Unlike R.J. Reynolds, Pfizer, or Bank of America, the U.S. populace lacks the access to public officials required to further its legislative goals,” a statement from the nation read in part. “Jack Weldon gives us that access.”

Sources confirmed that Weldon is already scheduled to have drinks Monday with several members of the Senate Appropriations Committee to discuss saving the middle class.

And, from the photo caption: “Weldon says he hopes to spin the American public… as a group worth Congress’ time.”

Ha. (h/t, Election Law Blog)

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Liz Cox Barrett is a writer at CJR.