The Blitzer Diaries

It was nearing 10pm in Denver and the mood grew confessional on the CNN set.

Coming back from commercial, Anderson Cooper chitchatted that during the break, Wolf Blitzer had shared with his co-anchors a little tidbit from his past and perhaps he might be coaxed into sharing it with the viewers. Cut to Blitzer looking none-too-pleased.

And then, at 9:58pm Denver time, when the anchors had all changed into their footsie PJs and snuggled up with cups of hot cocoa and copies of Cosmo, the truth came out.

Wolf Blitzer was in a band.

As Wikipedia already notes, Blitzer’s group was regrettably named “The Monkeys”.

Here are some songs that Blitzer may have written:

-(Can’t Get No) Situation (Room)

-(Christiane Aman)Pour Me a Drink

-Tell Me What You C(NN)

-I’m A Rock, I Am An Anchor

-99 Kinds of Beards

-Blitzing the Night Away

-Sgt. Blitzer’s Lonely Beards Club Band

-Blitzer Pop

-The First Shave is the Deepest

-I Wanna Be Your Newsman

-While My Teleprompter Gently Glows

(Joke writing assistance provided by Dave Burdick and Shawn Morrison.)

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Katia Bachko is on staff at The New Yorker.