God bless Lou Dobbs, America’s only working home-security system. If it weren’t for him, you’d never know what to be scared of. And this time, the threat is real, people. Forget Spanish lessons and salmonella: there are troglodytes on the loose.

Yes, troglodytes. Last night, CNN’s Wolf Blitzer asked Dobbs what he thought of Al Gore’s speech wherein the former veep slammed the idea of off-shore drilling as “perverse.” Here’s what Dobbs had to say about that logic:

Al Gore, whatever else he is, has lapsed into some sort of black hole of environmental nonsense from which he can’t extricate himself….We’ve got to do everything we can to relieve the burden on our working men and women, their families and middle class. Because these prices are going to go higher, not lower, if we don’t lift that ban…we should be trying and desperately trying, working as hard as we possibly can, innovating to create those alternate energy sources. But we can’t have troglodytes running around suggesting we’re not going to drill for oil…We have enough people in this country in both parties saying what we can’t do. And Al Gore among them. We need leaders now telling us how to get things done.

Surely Dobbs meant to say “nay-sayers” or even “environmentalist sissies,” not “one of various races or tribes of men (chiefly ancient or prehistoric) inhabiting caves or dens (natural or artificial).” And I’m guessing he didn’t mean to refer to “some kind of deer or other horned quadruped.” Just guessing, though.

Julia Ioffe is a freelance writer based in New York City.