Pop Quiz:

Do you believe “in the United States of America and its ideals, as expressed in the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Emancipation Proclamation”?
A. Yes
B. No

Do you believe “in the American Dream: Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness”?
A. Yes
B. No

Do you believe that “being an American is an honor, as well as a great responsibility—and a wonderful adventure”?
A. Yes
B. No

Do you believe that “we live in a great country, a welcoming refuge for legal immigrants who want to contribute their talent and abilities to make our way of life even greater”?
A. Yes
B. No

Do you believe that “we should enjoy the company and support of each other, delighting in the creativity, ingenuity, and work ethic of one and all, while observing the basic rules of civility and mutual respect and, most importantly, strengthening our diverse society by striving for unity”?
A. Yes
B. No

Are you committed “to the core principles of tolerance, open debate, civil discourse—and fair and balanced coverage of the news”?
A. Yes
B. No

Are you opposed “to intolerance, excessive government control of our lives, and attempts to monopolize opinion or suppress freedom of thought, expression, and worship”?
A. Yes
B. No

Do you believe in journalism that begins “with the presumption that America is a special and unique place, a blessed land to be treasured and defended”?
A. Yes
B. No

Results:

If you answered all—not mostly, but all—As: Congratulations! You are an upright, productive, and worthy citizen of this great nation of ours, a freedom-fighter-in-spirit in whom the proud legacies of Jefferson and Madison and other American heroes live on. As such, you will no doubt enjoy the upright, productive, and worthy journalism of Fox Nation, launched today by Fox News and on display at TheFoxNation.com. You will no doubt appreciate having aggregated before you such specimens of fairness and balance as Townhall’s Dick Morris-penned explanation of why President Obama is “soft on terror, hard on charities” and the New York Post’s exploration of “Chris Dodd’s cavalcade of scandal.”

You’ll appreciate it so much, in fact, that you might not question whether spreading insipid Washington-themed gossip (“The Daily Beast: Who did Pelosi’s face?”) does, in fact, celebrate “core principles of tolerance, open debate, civil discourse—and fair and balanced coverage of the news.” Or whether it’s fair or balanced to slug a hard-news AP article about the Huffington Post’s new investigative journalism venture “Huffington Post to rummage through your trash.” Or whether, speaking of the HuffPost, it’s intellectually honest to completely appropriate the left-leaning aggregator’s model while stoking partisan passions by outwardly mocking it.

So happy will you be, in fact, to have an online destination for Opinions Like Yours that it might not occur to your intelligence to be insulted at the straight-faced promise Fox Nation makes of “fair and balanced coverage of the news” while its homepage prominently features an essay—by Grover Norquist—declaring that “conservatives, libertarians, and other believers in limited government have found a new home–at FOX Nation.” So relieved will you be to have found that home that you might not conclude, in baffled frustration, hey, there’s nothing wrong with partisan journalism…but only if it’s up-front with its audience about its biases; only if it doesn’t try to disguise those biases under a glib motto of objectivity; only if it doesn’t perpetuate a laughable line of logic that purposely confuses conservatism with patriotism.

So ecstatic will you be, instead, that there is finally an online forum for People Like You—people who believe “in the United States of America and its ideals, as expressed in the Constitution, the Declaration of Independence, and the Emancipation Proclamation”—that it won’t occur to you to wonder who among us doesn’t believe in those things.

Oh, unless! If you answered B to any of the questions above: You are probably one of those non-believers. You are probably an America-hating, freedom-fearing communist, and the citizens of Fox Nation would prefer that you take the diversity of your particular opinions to another virtual nation. Canada, perhaps.

Megan Garber is an assistant editor at the Nieman Journalism Lab at Harvard University. She was formerly a CJR staff writer.