The question of whether women can “have it all” has been the source of many a polemic. The discussion is focused around the struggles of educated, upper-middle-class, heterosexual women to juggle demanding jobs, child rearing, and maintaining a sex life and marriage. Anne-Marie Slaughter kicked off the debate’s most recent incarnation with her 2012 Atlantic piece on the inflexible hours of prestigious jobs, “Why women still can’t have it all.” Sheryl Sandberg recommended that women “lean in” to those high-powered careers rather than scale back in anticipation of children they don’t have yet, while Judith Warner echoed this take in a story about stay-at-home moms regretting their choice to leave the workforce. Yahoo CEO Marissa Mayer drew criticism for ending the company’s acceptance of working remotely while she was allowed to bring her infant to the office. And Hanna Rosin said the patriarchy is dead, so this whole debate is uneccessary.
The newest entrant to the conversation is Barnard College president Debora Spar, with, Wonder Women (Sarah Crichton Books, $27), released on Tuesday. The work, Spar’s first foray into feminism, calls the entire premise of “having it all” into question: She argues that the pressure women feel to excel at everything is a misinterpretation of second-wave feminism’s intentions, which sought to open all avenues for all women, not to mandate that they traverse them all in stilettos:
By blessing women with so many options, feminism also—unwittingly and unwillingly—raised the bar on women’s lives and expectations. It pushed girls to excel at school and sports; encouraged young women to seize control of their love lives, their sex lives, and their careers; and urged young mothers to juggle the demands of work and family.
The way out of this perfection trap, she writes, is that women lucky enough to have options need to admit that something’s gotta give, and that doing so is a positive choice rather than a betrayal of feminism’s legacy. The laundry pile can grow if a work deadline looms; the kids will be alright if some meals aren’t home-cooked from locally sourced produce. And on a broader scale, women should organize and push for changes, Spar writes, like more flexible work arrangements. (Sandberg, whose “lean in” credo was first articulated at the 2011 Barnard graduation, makes a similar recommendation for women to gain resolve collectively.)
This basic message—that having many options available doesn’t mean women need to take them all—is commonsensical and appealing, as is a girl-power return to the barricades to push for workplace change. But it all gets muddled and diffused throughout Wonder Women, as Spar builds the case that what usually gives first in the “have it all” equation is a woman’s career, and that this is due to biological differences between the sexes:
[W]hen the choice is between compromising a job and compromising a family, women seem more inclined to focus on the family, men to stick with the job that pays the bills. Perhaps this goes back to our vestigial roles as feeders of children and killers of meat. Perhaps it is the media, still hammering stereotypes into our brains. Perhaps it is the modern workplace’s stubborn refusal to create schedules or structures that are even vaguely conducive to the rhythms of family life. But when push comes to shove—and it can, and it will—women are the ones who more often walk away.