“Stop covering crimes, and start committing them.”

The Washington Post’s Gene Weingarten adds his two cents to the cacophony of voices ruminating the future of newspapers with a conversation with school chum and business theory professor Edward Rogoff.

His suggestions are hardly comforting:

Edward: Your delivery vans are ideally suited to be pet taxicabs. Pet-taxi franchises are a growing industry in large cities. Most cabdrivers won’t take dogs and cats because they tend to puke in the back seat.

Edward: You could remove the computers in your newsroom and replace them with 1930s-era Underwood typewriters, and those big old sturdy black rotary phones. Then you could sell newsroom tours. The editors would swear loudly and smoke fat, stinky cigars and pinch gal reporters on the fanny and berate copy boys in bow ties, and there would be half-empty bottles of liquor all over the place. That could be very successful, a Colonial Williamsburg kind of attraction.

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Katia Bachko is on staff at The New Yorker.