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We donât mean to keep poking fun at Maureen Dowd’s writingâwe appreciate her creativity, and everythingâbut sometimes we find ourselves simply unable to resist. Today is such a time. Below, a theory of the genesis of MoDo’s most recent masterpiece.
For a more authentic version (pdf), click here.
COLUMNISTA! THE STORY OF AN OP-ED
Screenplay by
Megan Garber
Unrevised sixth draft
© Oct. 29, 2008
FADE IN:
INT. AN OFFICE IN THE NEW YORK TIMES BUILDING â in the middle of the day in the middle of Manhattan.
MAUREEN DOWD, a chic redhead, is pacing and frantically thumbing her BlackBerry. She is a top columnist at The New York Times. She is nervous. She has an op-ed due tomorrow, and has no fresh ideas for it.
MAUREEN
(sighing, melodramatically)
OhhhhhâŠwhat am I going to do?
DAVID SHIPLEY, her editor, sits slumped in a chair next to her, dejectedly checking his BlackBerry messages.
DAVID
How the heck should I know? We go through this every week, Maureen. Are you really out of ideas?
MAUREEN
Yeah, D, I am. And Iâm really freaking out this time. You know how I am about message discipline, about keeping all my writing quirky and unexpected. I mean, how do you do better than a column half-written in Latin? You donât, thatâs how! It doesnât get any better than that! Iâve got enough on my plate being quirky, but to keep it unexpected, too? To keep my readers all surprised and entertained and everything? ItâsâŠjustâŠsoâŠ
DAVID
I know, I know. Well, hey: What if you write a straight column this week? Iâd love that. You know, Bob may not write his columns in other languages, or anything, but I know readers appreciate his stuffâŠFrank’s, too…
(He leans forward in his chair, watching her face
closely for reaction.)MAUREEN
Yeah, okay. I guess I could do that. That sounds like a valuable service to our readers in this final week of the campaign.
(She crosses her fingers behind her back.)
Or–oooh!–what if I write a series of haikus about the campaign? I could call it âMoDo-etryâ! Orâoh, even better!–a Mad Libs game about the campaign! That would be so cheeky and irreverent!
DAVID
Um, sure, Maureen, those could work. Or: maybe you could write something straightforward, thoughtful, with a point to it–
MAUREEN
–I can call them âRad Libs,â âcuz theyâd be so rad! Or maybe âMad-Lib(erals)â! You know, with parentheses and everything! And it could be about the Democrats! Oh, I can see it now!
(David stares glumly at his shoes. Her BlackBerry rings to the tune of âOops! I Did It Again.â)
(She listens and then hangs up.)
DAVID
(sardonically)
Was that God calling with a column idea for you?
MAUREEN
Actually, kind of.
DAVID
(shocked)
Huh?
MAUREEN
It was Aaron Sorkin. Aaron thinks John McCainâs fed up with Sarah Palin getting bigger crowds and contradicting his message. And with her interrupting him on TV interviews and taking them over. Aaron thinks McCainâs fed up with her drilling him on drilling. And with never being able to discuss anything with her, like the latest violence in the Congo.
DAVID
Really? He said all that?
MAUREEN
(distractedly)
Mm–hmm.
DAVID
So, then, whatâs your idea? “Sorkin-libs,” or something like that?
MAUREEN
(Her eyes light up.)
A screenplay! The kind Aaron writes, but about McCain! It can be a conversation between McCain and Joe Lieberman about how Mac should have chosen Joe for his Veepâor something like that, I havenât totally figured it out!âand itâll be completely unexpected! And so witty!! Andâoooh!âitâll give me one last chance to make a âMaverickâ reference!
DAVID
I donât know, Maureen. I mean, it sounds creative, and everything, but also kind of silly. I mean, whatâs the point? Will it actually have an argument somewhere in it? And, I mean, McCain and Lieberman are so overexposed at this pointâŠ
MAUREEN
(twirling her hair)
Come on, DavidâŠdonât be a Davie DownerâŠ
DAVID
(smiles, then sighs)
WellâŠhow aboutâŠugh, I donât know what else to do. Okay, fine, do the screenplay thing. But what if the conversationâs between Nicolle Wallace and Tracey Schmitt? At least theyâre more unexpectedâŠ
MAUREEN
Dirty pool, David. You know I canât say no to a chance to write about sorority girls in pearls!
DAVID
(smiling smugly)
I do.
(settling back in his chair, sighing)
Okay. So what, exactly, will you say in this column, then?
MAUREEN
I donât really know! But Iâll figure it out! But it almost doesnât matter what I say, though, right? Because how I say it is going to be so clever!
DAVID
Well, Maureen, you still have to make some kind of point here. This is still The New Yorkâ
MAUREEN
We can even write it out in Courier font, just like a real screenplay! Oh, this is going to be classic!
DAVID
(sighing)
Okay, whatever you want, Maureen. Youâre the columnist, I guess…
MAUREEN
Thatâs âcolumnistaâ to you!
DAVID
(sighing)
Yeah.
MAUREEN
You betcha!
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